Let's see: an episode that focuses on two white men bonding? that features an extended pseudo-sexual dream sequence involving our favourite Vulcan science officer? that includes a discussion of how "pretty" said science officer is and what a nice "bum" she has, more suitable for a middle-grade novel than an adult science fiction TV show?
Must be written by Brannon Braga and Rick Berman.
The funny thing is, for all its signature inanities, "Shuttlepod One" might be the best episode of Enterprise B&B ever wrote.
The episode begins with Tucker and Reed flying a damaged shuttlepod into an asteroid field, in preparation for a rendezvous with the mother ship. With their sensors and their comms system down, they don't expect to accomplish much while they wait, except perhaps to get some reading done. Their relationship is at first quite barbed -- Tucker disses Reed's intention to spend the wait time reading Ulysses while Reed takes shots at the North American education system and opines that, if the Vulcans had made first contact with Europeans instead of Americans, the Vulcans probably would have found the Human race more worthy of encouragement.
Their banter is interrupted, however, when they spot the remains of a star ship, spread across the face of a massive asteroid. With their sensors not functioning, they can only inspect the wreckage visually but the discovery of a section of a ship's hull with the lettering "X-01" on it convinces them that they have found the last remains of their former starship.
In shock, they then start to argue about their best course of action: with only about 12 days' worth of oxygen left to them on the shuttle and no Enterprise to meet them, what can they do to enhance their chances of being rescued before their air runs out?
The viewer then finds out that Enterprise is still alive and well. Apparently, it had encountered a Tessnian vessel which, in attempting to dock with the Star Fleet vessel, was destroyed by what T'Pol believes to be a "micro-singularity" (essentially a tiny black hole floating in space). The destruction of the Tessnian vessel basically tore off one of Enterprise's shuttle bay doors (with its "NX-O1" labeling) and put Enterprise in a position of needing to transport the boron-breathing survivors back to their home planet before Enterprise's supply of boron runs out.
This is, of course, a B&B script so our good Captain Archer must take the opportunity to mock and abuse T'Pol for her interpretation of the evidence that led to the accident as indicating that a micro-singularity was at fault. Archer very aggressively asserts that micro-singularities are nothing more than myth, a product of fertile Vulcan imaginations. He also implies that T'Pol would prioritise the investigation of the mythical singularities over saving the lives of Star Fleet crew members.
As usual, B&B seem to suggest that a Captain behaves appropriately when he bullies and abuses his senior crew and when the basis of his abusive behavior is the racial background of said crew member. This is, apparently, leadership in B&B's universe.
The fact that T'Pol turns out to be correct doesn't seem to matter either.
Meanwhile, aboard Shuttlepod One, the tension continues to rise between Reed, who has accepted his fate and begins recording long messages to all and sundry in his life, tying up loose ends before his death, and Tucker, who remains unwaiveringly optimistic that rescue will come. While Reed broods, Tucker manages to get the radio receiver working but the tension between the two never seems to waiver.
Unfortunately, in attempting to create this tension, both the writers and the actors go a bit too far, in my opinion.
Dominic Keating (as Reed) is way too morbid and morose to remain appealing while Dominic Trineer's Tucker comes off as obnoxiously unrealistic in light of their predicament. Keating is especially annoying in the insipid dream sequence wherein his crush on T'Pol is revealed and in the following scenes where he bemoans his lack of true relationships.
The two finally agree to reroute power from the heating systems to the air cleaners to gain a few hours' oxygen, though at a cost of spending their last days in a minus five degree (Centigrade) cabin. When several more micro-singularities strike the pod, however, they lose so much oxygen that their life span is reduced to just over a day, despite their best efforts.
Out of the blue, their repaired radio receiver picks up a message from Enterprise (OMG, all our friends are still alive!!!), advising them of an adjusted rendezvous location and time (two days away). Uh oh. It's great to know that their ship wasn't destroyed but how can they let their friends know they're in trouble and won't still be alive in two days.
Knowing that Enterprise, though still days away, must be able to see them (at least as a blip) on its long-range sensors, they decide to jettison and blow up their impulse engines, hoping that the resulting explosion will communicate to the mother ship that they are in trouble. It's a nice little homage to the TOS episode, "Galileo Seven", the original trapped in a dying shuttle show, in which Spock decides to jettison and ignite the last of the shuttle's fuel in a desperate attempt to draw the attention of the distant Enterprise.
Now floating powerless in space, their heat and air maintained by batteries, Tucker and Reed's very different personalities threaten to make their last hours intolerable. But then liquor saves the day. The two find a bottle of bourbon in the shuttle and proceed to get plastered. This leads inevitably to the drunken discussion of T'Pol's "bum", a scene of which I am absolutely certain B&B must be most proud.
Their final argument is which of them will sacrifice himself by locking himself in the shuttle's air lock, so that the other can live twice as long on the remaining air, but this argument is resolved when they realize they are now chums and could never live if the other died.
Fade out. Fade in the sound of medical sensors. Oh happy day, their exploding signal worked and Enterprise got to them in time. Reed hopes his dream will play out but T'Pol obstinately refuses to declare her love for him and does not kiss him.
As I said at the outset, despite its many flaws, this is probably the best Enterprise episode to come from the minds of B&B. It draws on an Original Series episode, it features character development over ray guns and space battles, and it is fairly well plotted.
As someone who spends half of every year in the midst of a Canadian winter, I found the depiction of extended exposure to minus-five-degree conditions laughable. - 5 is not that cold, to be honest. Screens would not frost up as they do in this episode and the two men would not end up suffering from such significant hypothermia that they would need several days in sick bay to warm up. They should also have engaged in physical exercise to keep their internal body temperatures up.
I also wondered why they never thought of using the phase pistols with which the shuttle comes equipped, set on low setting, to heat the metal around them. The pistols would not use energy from the ship's systems, would not use extra oxygen and would prove, in TOS' "The Enemy Within", capable of providing significant heat in a difficult situation.
Failing that, Tucker should also have thought of draining the energy from the phase pistol's batteries to power the shuttle's air cleaners (Spock drains phaser energy to power the entire shuttle in "Galileo Seven"), thus permitting them either more oxygen, more heat or both.
And it would have been nice if, once the micro-singularity theory was proven true, Archer had apologized to T'Pol for his abusive behavior toward her and thanked her for her help.
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